yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
