I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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