It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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