Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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