someone get that fucking seahorse.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I have peed in a lot of sinks
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
