1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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