He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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