I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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