If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
