You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
