woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Life is so much better after having sex.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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