Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
