We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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