There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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