i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
