remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
