i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
