then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
