I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
