Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Blood and glitter go together right?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
