Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
