u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
