Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
