you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
