i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
