i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
