My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
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