I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
