Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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