she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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