If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
