Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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