In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
