i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
