Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
