so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
