I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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