I am midnight drunk by noon
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
