you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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