Screwed.edu
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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