Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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