she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
