Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
