at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I came so hard my ears popped.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
