Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
