let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
My dick has a subreddit
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
