before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
