Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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