I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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