There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
